Rest assured, the X-Factor is a big fat mess even Bob the Builder couldn't fix! Here's some of the happenings from the first X-Factor 2012 auditions, taking place at Liverpool's Echo Arena.
Geri Halliwell should have been sacked before she even got through the arena doors. Hanging out of the sun roof as she arrived, she oozed desperation - climbing on top of the car in a bid to announce her big arrival - Fail. Her skills as a judge were even more shocking. She made absolutely no sense, started every comment with 'okay so' and was unbelievably self-centered - Every other word being 'me' or 'Spice Girls'. To top it all off, she didn't exactly gel naturally with her fellow judges. Trying to run the show, Geri left Tulisa and Gary Barlow particularly quiet before finally shutting the fuck up for the odd moment or two - presumably under the instruction of a producer. The crowd weren't the only people infuriated by her irritable, 'enhanced' personality. Ginger spice managed to upset Mr. Barlow on more than one occasion. When trying to source the weakest dancer in one of the girl group hopefuls, Geri asked "Who's the Gary Barlow of the group?". As if this wasn't bad enough, in an attempt to reassure It Girls that not everyone had to be able to sing in tune, she stated: 'Not everyone in Take That can sing' - How rude! Fear not, Louis Walsh was on hand to put her back in her place and point out the same goes for the Spice Girls. Going on and on about nothing there were plenty of deserved heckles from the crowd; 'Fuck off', 'Just say yes or no' and 'Shut up' being the most prominent among the boo's. It would be unfair to mention her accent; she is called Geraldine after all. Absolutely atrocious judge - Surely can't be appointed as a permanent, she well and truly failed the job interview!
First contestant out was extrovert Chris Culligan who used to go by the drag name 'Tammy Pax'. Charming. His infectious personality wasn't enough to see him through to Boot camp but they got 5 minutes of good television out of him.
It Girls - The most annoying, screechy, talentless group to be put through. Claiming they represented everything Little Mix represented, Girl Power was a running theme. They performed 'Stop' - which the group revealed they were asked to perform by producers only this Monday - Manipulation eh. There were a few gasps when we found out they were all adults, dressed as quirky kids there was lots of fake ditz but that and an awful acappella version of 'Unfaithful' was enough to see them through - Against the audience's wishes. Imagine Redcoats - that image along with Geri Halliwell meowing away (WTF) was an uncomfortable and ear-aching moment to say the least.
Jonny James stood out having racked up some experience in the music industry already and having worked with reputable producer Red One. Jonny was quite a character. With upbeat dance numbers, Jonny wanted to make 'fun' songs, and whilst lacking any stage presence they could do a Sia and perform on the odd dance track here and there. More to see from him/her undoubtedly. Through.
A good act - Hurrah! Shannon from Dublin was dubbed 'Brandable' by Tulisa as she done a huskily beautiful acappella rendition of 'Teenage Dream'. She can sing, but she won't win. Even with Louis as a judge. Through.
There was the inevitable fake tan for this scouser, even with him being male. With a similar look and hairstyle to Gary Barlow, only a seemingly younger version, the audience were shocked to hear Chris is 31. Although good for an over, his habits from performing on holiday camps let him down and some dodgy dancing left him stranded.
Sorority were a group of four sisters aged 17-22. Announcing they were singing Take That song 'The Flood', things looked promising for these four until they were stopped short. With a common and influenced change of song - Basically a producer running over to Louis and saying 'Ask them if they have another song, get them to sing Candy man' - The siblings stepped it up and as far as the crowd were concerned, delivered a worthy performance. The judges thought otherwise however, and branding them miserable and lacking in stage presence, they were sent on their way. The audience didn't like this and shouts about how the It Girls could possibly get through over these were ignored. That's showbiz.
A Vietnamese boy called 'Jason' got the only standing ovation of the day. In part for the cute factor. Unable to pronounce 'Tulisa' properly, and continuing to call the love of his life 'Tulicia', Jason won the crowd over with a powerful rendition of Whitney Houston's 'I Have Nothing' which came out of nowhere. Sailed through!
Loved this auditionee - What song do you have? 'Queen-Rhapsody or something like that'. Geri: 'Okay so, your name's William like will.i.am' ... 'No, just William'. It was suitably horrendous, but in a pleasant way.
You had to check twice to make sure it wasn't Cilla Black when bubbly and fun Linda, aged 51, came running out on stage. Singing 'Maybe This Time' from the musical and film 'Cabaret', Geri's ingenious comment was 'It was too cabaret'. Round of applause for the ex-ginge. Good effort but no luck with the judges.
Next was the most interesting performance of the day, courtesy of Jade Jackson AKA Miss Stylie AKA Don't Tell The Bride's Best Man AKA Liverpool's only female rapper. I was always on and off with regards to her music, one day it's shit, the next bearable. Anyway, rapper - female - on X-Factor, not exactly the norm. As the judges were quick to point out, the crowd were in large as clueless as Gary, Louis and Geri when it came to her performance. Tulisa liked it though and pointed out her expertise in the field whilst suggesting she should come back with a more commercial side of 'urban' next round. It was a close one after Gary said no, luckily Louis seen sense and with Tulisa saying yes and declaring she would like to work with Jade and would be able to push her in the right direction, Geri who was keen to impress her new 'best buddy', said yes. Only after trying to claim she knew anything about rap by implying Jade was trying to be American with her sound. Miss Stylie added her own original lyrics to Dev's 'Bass Down Low' a first according to Tulisa and a refreshing injection of relevant music that would make Simon Cowell proud. Exciting! She conquered her nerves by the end and earned her place in Bootcamp. To quote the shout from the crowd - 'Smashed it!'
That was the 'good' rap, the really bad came from comical Little and Large with their blasphemic mash-up of Superbass and Gold Digger. They spoke about Jedward and Same Difference, I had high hopes!
Finally the singer that the producers allowed to sing three songs, because obviously she was always getting through, was Sainsbury's cleaner Nikita Williams Singing; Peggy Lee, Adele's 'Hometown' and finally Rebecca Ferguson's 'Nothing's Real But Love'. Her voice was strong if not a bit shouty and she got 'best of show' from Geri - Sure finalist - Fix Factor
It was a bit of a shambles to be fair, Geri and the poor excuse of a 'technical difficulty' which got us all kicked out being the main culprits. I do feel sorry for the former Spice Girl, but she came back after being slated last time so she only has herself to blame. We didn't see the winner.